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YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Typically, when I am in a meeting or listening to a presentation, I do my best to understand the full context of the what is being discussed. I try to get the facts into my head, process them and organize them into a story line. I listen as if I am going to have to reteach whatever it is the presenter is talking about or what is being covered in the meeting. Sometimes I get lost. This frustrates the heck out of me and I try to search for the facts which I might have missed along the way.

Executives and Toddlers alike don’t behave this way. If they don’t understand what you are talking about, it’s your fault, not theirs.

Going back to my last post, “SO MANY QUESTIONS,” I get worn out when my Toddler starts asking too many questions. So I start getting lazy. In my laziness I start not describing things fully. When I do this, it just causes him to ask more questions… and rightfully so. I didn’t explain it well. Ultimately, he just wants to understand and when I leave gaps, he doesn’t care whether it’s his fault or my fault for those gaps, he just knows he wants to understand. The Executive, as you may have guessed, is the same.

When you present to an Executive, they feel a responsibility to understand the topic so they can test it for quality and make a decision if that is what you are seeking. They have a limited amount of time to grasp the topic so they are looking for simplicity. Albert Einstein’s quote, “If you can’t explain something simply, you don’t understand it well enough,” hits the nail on the head here. If the Executive can’t grasp the story, they begin to question your grasp of the topic thereby calling into question your expertise, design and intent of what you are presenting. Executives don’t want you to be clear and concise because they are mean people who don’t like you. They need you to be brief so that they can do THEIR job. But what separates the Execs and Toddlers from everyone else in this area? In most cases… confidence.

When we place the burden on ourselves to understand a poorly delivered message, we do so because we think something is deficient in our processing. We think something is wrong with us. The Executive and the Toddler alike, don’t see it that way. They are confident in their ability to understand and therefore if they aren’t grasping what you are presenting, you must be at fault.

So what can we learn from this?

For the Executive: Continue to seek to understand. For those who fall short, give them feedback… but be clear with the feedback. Just like you expect your team members to explain things simply to you, you need to put in the effort to provide the feedback simply to them.

For those working with Executives: Sometimes we feel pressured to show people how strong our expertise is by going into depth on a topic knowing our audience can’t necessarily follow us there. In fact, some people actually do this on purpose (many college professors come to my mind). This, however, is driven from insecurity and our desire to prove ourselves. Resist the urge. Einstein was a pretty smart dude and if he favored simplicity, it’s safe to say that he was right.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: If you suddenly find yourself not understanding a presentation or a topic, do your best to hone in one where the gap is and identify the right question to ask to see if the presenter can fill the gap. If they do, great! If they can’t, you just uncovered a flaw in their logic and your question might cause the team to rethink their approach and create a better product or solution.

For parents of Toddlers: When the questions start coming, get on eye level with the little guy or gal, and lean in on really explaining the topic well. In the end, you’ll find that the exercise of doing so actually helps you understand the topic even better than before. If you can’t, ask Siri ; )

SO… MANY… QUESTIONS!

Toddler: “What’s that?” (spoken from the backseat of the car while parent is driving)

Parent: “What’s what?”

Toddler: “That.” (pointing while the parent still can’t see them)

Parent: “What, the yellow sign?”

Toddler: “Yes.”

Parent: “That’s a warning sign.”

Toddler: “What is warning?”

Parent: “A warning is a caution not to do something.”

Toddler: “What does caution mean?”

Parent: “It means be careful.”

Toddler: “Of what?”

Parent: “Well that sign means don’t go too fast.”

Toddler: “Were you going too fast?”

Parent: “No.” (parent lying)

Toddler: “How do you know?”

Parent: “Because my speedometer told me I wasn’t.”

Toddler: “What’s a speedometer?”

Parent: “Shows how fast I am going.”

Toddler: “How?”

Parent: “It counts how many times the wheels of the car rotate.” (Parent thinking to themselves – “Wait, is that how it actually works?”)

Toddler: “What does rotate mean?”

Parent: (Still thinking if that is how the car measures speed) “Rotate is the wheel going round and round.”

Toddler: “Oh. Why is the sign yellow?”

And on… and on… and on.

We actually brought a counter on a 5 hour road trip. Our 5 year old asked over 300 questions during the ride… and he slept for two hours of it.

Toddlers have a innate curiosity. And they have lots to learn! Initially it is cute and we enjoy going through the process of passing knowledge to our future generation. However, it gets old… quick! Moreover it’s HARD! Sometimes we don’t know why.. it just IS!

Executives are surprisingly similar. When you present a topic, they want to know more. So they ask a question. You’re surprised by the question but you answer it and are happy to do so because you’re excited that they are taking interest in what you are working on. For the next few moments you think you are important. Then the next question comes. This one is a bit harder and you hesitate slightly with your answer. The Executive now senses some insecurity. They ask another question, this time more pointed trying to get to the root of what you are talking about. You answer back, with a bit of tension in your voice and more briefly trying to avoid having to go into any further detail. The Executive senses your desire to end the conversation and thinks you are now trying to hide an operational issue or previously unrealized fault with your task or topic. The Executive takes a firmer stance now and starts asking for more specific details. You don’t even have these details baked yet and you begin to wonder why you are talking to an Executive about something that isn’t fully baked. You start to freak out knowing that you are face planting…. Initially you wanted to impress and now you’re just trying not to destroy your career.

Toddlers and Executives have an innate curiosity that drives them to learn things as quickly as possible. They can sense when they aren’t getting the full story merely because they are really trying to understand. This desire to understand leads them down a path of harmless inquiry. When this happens it can be exhausting if you are not thoughtful about your approach.

Curiosity is a wonderful thing that has driven every invention in history but we have to learn how to respond to the curious to yield the best possible results. Here’s some tips:

For the parents of toddlers: You’re instinct after about the 5th or 6th question (for those of you who are patient) will be to just blurt out “BECAUSE IT JUST IS!” While it is important for your kids to respect your sanity, it is also important to not squash their inquisitive nature as it is how they learn and we want our kids to be life long learners. Here’s another option: Create an exit strategy for the inevitable “20 questions”. For example, I like to use one tactic called “Turn the tables”. It goes like this. When I start to feel my patience wearing thin, I answer my kid’s questions with questions and start asking them question after question. This puts all of the questions to a quick stop and restores the delightful silence I once enjoyed many years ago ; )

For the Executive: Keep asking. It’s how you make your team better.

For those working with Executives: First, IF you are going to give your elevator pitch, have your story straight! If you don’t, steer clear. Period.

Second, there is always the possibility of standing next to the Executive at lunch and he or she might pop a question about THAT project. To avoid this, always be armed with a good question to ask the Executive. I call this the preemptive strike. Feel free to use it.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: Cultivate your curiosity. Learn to ask great questions. Always be seeking to understand and ask questions to ensure you have the right understanding. I’ll build a bit more on this in the next part called “YOU CAN”T HANDLE THE TRUTH”.

A SPACESHIP TO THE MOON!

Toddlers have an amazing imagination. They do not limit themselves by the concepts of feasibility and viability… they only think in terms of desirability. It’s one of the main reasons most little kids have an obsession with superheroes.

In 2013, my little guy discovered Spiderman. It wasn’t the story line that captivated him or the great drawings in the comic books but rather the idea of being able to sling webs out of your wrists and swing from building to building. In my toddler’s mind, he could actually BE Spiderman. All he had to do was put on a Spiderman-like outfit and he was ready to go. His mind did the rest.

This ability to envision a more desirable reality is remarkable and something we lose over time as we experience all too well the truths of what is possible and impossible. The Toddler’s lack of consideration of what is feasible and viable is essentially a condition of just not being fully aware of what actually IS feasible and viable.

The Executive on the other hand has certainly had enough experience in life to understand the limitations of space and time. Yet, I have lost count of how many stories I have heard recounted of demands and expectations imposed by their beloved Executive that are just unrealistic or even impossible… I may have even experienced this a few times myself ; ) The Executive in these cases is either (1) choosing to ignore or suspend all knowledge of typical limitations until those who are responsible for defying the limitations either achieve breakthrough or identify acceptable alternatives to the initial demand or (2) truly not aware of the difficulty involved with what they are asking.

So what does this Toddler/Executive commonality of disregarding barriers mean?

For the Executive: While it is an absolute imperative to push the boundaries of what seems possible in order to innovate and stay ahead of their competitors, Executives must be careful to not over stress their teams and organizations by constantly ignoring the limitations of viability and feasibility. The fine balance for the Executive is to pick and choose which topics and tasks are just too important to settle for excellent rather than audacious. The Executive must have a North Star which allows them to prioritize topics of reach.

John F. Kennedy’s desire to put an American on the moon is a good example here. The North Star for him was to reestablish the United States as the most advanced nation in the world thereby demonstrating that a free society governed by the people, for the people was in fact that best form of governance. Putting an American on the moon would take years of work and a massive investment but it would serve to inspire the country and the world. It’s important to note that JFK also consulted many experts in his administration to determine the feasibility and viability of the project prior to announcing the target.

For those working with Executives: When working with executives, it is important to understand the vision and think through what assignments and tasks we believe will further the vision most significantly. It is those items that we must dig deeper and push harder to work through what we consider to be unreasonable or even impossible.

Someone who has never run a 5K may view a marathon as impossible. However, with enough dedication and training, most humans can eventually complete a marathon… and once they complete a marathon, many people learn that an ultra marathon is possible.

We can always push ourselves to find new frontiers and it is the same thing in our work. However, it takes lots of time and effort to push through boundaries and we have to make sure we commit ourselves to the tasks which truly are the most crucial to our success. For those which are not, we must learn how to identify alternatives and pitch those alternatives effectively to the Executive. This is particularly important in cases where the Executive is not fully aware of the difficulty involved with the ask.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: Many of us have developed narratives over the years based on our failures or the failures of others close to us. These narratives can lead us to be overly cautious and deem things which are possible as impossible. If you find that your cautiousness or unwillingness to take risks is hindering your progress in life, it may be helpful to challenge your own preconceptions of what is possible and think deeply about what false narratives may be playing in your mind and informing your decisions.

For parents of Toddlers: work to achieve a balance of educating your kids on feasibility and viability while cultivating their creativity. As your kids get older consider listening intently to their “pie in the sky” ideas and asking them to really work through them and develop a proposal for you. You might find you will actually learn something along the way.

The next 10 posts on Fortified Leadership will walk through an amusing yet surprisingly true look at the similarities between toddlers and executives. This parallel first became clear to me in 2013 when our first son was a toddler. While immersed in the challenges posed by this new and rather imposing figure in our lives, I started to recognize a number of different parallels to another population that I was quite familiar with: the Executive. Since my initial recognition of this parallel, I’ve come to realize that the similarities are most prevalent in times of stress… an environmental condition executives find themselves wrestling with a good portion of the time.

The posts that are to come will provide some real benefits for a plethora of audiences:

1. Those looking to behave more “executively” – Many may expect these insights to be a way of degrading executives. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, I believe the similarities can be a guide for many of us who wonder how executives do what they do as well as they do it. My experience leads me to believe that successful people are those who have either 1) learned how to embrace and harness those characteristics which they intrinsically had as a toddler or 2) have never dropped those toddler behaviors which have ironically driven their success in business. Either way, learning these similarities may give you the insight and know-how for how to perform at the highest level in business – how will you harness your inner toddler?

2. Those looking for a good laugh – The sheer irony of the parallels are enough to draw out laughter from anyone who has had exposure to either a toddler or an executive at any point in their lives (which is basically everyone). Of course, those who have had exposure to both might find the thoughts less funny and more frightening….

3. Those needing a crash course in handling an executive – Does a current or future role place you in close contact with an executive? This may be uncharted territory however if you have any experience with toddlers, you may be more equipped for the challenge than you realize.

4. Those needing a crash course in handling a toddler – See point 3 and swap the words.