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THE SANDBOX

The first nine similarities between toddlers and executives which I have presented describe many of traits which contribute to the success of executives. While there are some potential derailleurs in each Toddler/Executive similarity if not approached with intentionality, this last similarity, regarding collaboration, is a bit different in that there is more negative impacts than positive.

Think of a sandbox filled with toddlers. It has been observed that toddlers do not play with each other but rather alongside each other… often called parallel play. In a sandbox full of toddlers you can usually find them all playing in their own spot with a specific few toys working toward something of their own creation. The only time they really interact with each other is when one toddler has a toy another toddler wants or when one starts infringing on the space of one of their parallel players. Sound familiar? Sure it does.

Executives are driven people. What drives them differs greatly from person to person. For some it is a higher purpose… a calling if you will. For others it is power or money or fame. Regardless of the motive, this drive can create challenging dynamics when you introduce peers into the equation who have a similar drive for success.

Many of us have experienced one of the more obvious forms of the dysfunction that can arise between high powered Executives…the fabled turf war. Maybe we have experienced it as a bystander, a victim or even an enabler. These turf wars are not necessarily born out of a place of sheer divisiveness. It usually comes from two executives having objectives that are in some way opposed. For example, increasing sales volume to increase marketshare (often the target of a Vice President of Sales) may come of the cost profitability in the short term (often contrary to what a CFO wants to see). As the executives continue to push toward their objectives the friction between them and their organizations can intensify. Given the nature of the Executive and the strengths and skills that have gotten them to where they are, each is usually more prone to devise strategies to outwit their internal opponent in order to ensure achievement of their objective. In the end, they may achieve success for their division… an outcome that might not actually be best for the overall organization.

The alternative approach would be to look at the big picture, understand the perspectives of the various stakeholders in the organization and work toward a common objective that truly achieves the best results. This sounds well and good, however, in business we are measured by our ability to perform against a set of objectives and until we are rewarded for overall results and not our individual scope it is unlikely for this dysfunction to resolve itself. We can tackle this in another post on new approaches to performance management.

So with no “structural” solution in play, what to do?

For the Executive: Being the Executive of an organization or a division is tough. You have the dynamics of demanding stakeholders, aggressive, intelligent and driven peers and direct report organizations that do not fully understand your context. The pressure is great. Reverting to the sandbox mentality is a tempting way to reduce the complexity and draw a line on the sand…. “My objective is to be #1 in marketshare and we are going to achieve it… end of story.” The reward for such an achievement might be a promotion, maybe a keynote at a convention that gets you your next job… or maybe your organization goes out of business because it failed to be profitable or injured its reputation because the organization couldn’t handle the customer services on the back end of all those sales. Ultimately, the decision is yours. You may chose to hold to the pursuit of your objective but do not ignore the potential consequences. Ensure your are fully aware the impact to your objectives on your peer’s objectives and the risks to the organization. You can then make an educated decision. When challenged by your peers, you will at least be able to demonstrate an understanding of their context thereby increasing the credibility of your stance.

For those working with Executives: I have seen many people actively work to build the walls of divisiveness based on the perceived friction between their Executive and the Executive of another division only to be left to “eat crow” when their Executive engages in a truce with the Executive of the other division. Worse yet, consider what would happen if the Executive leaves the organization and those who remain now see you as toxic. Sometimes you may feel like your Executive’s behavior lacks the necessary collaborative qualities to ensure his organization is successful in the long run. In this situation ask yourself, what can I do to help bridge the gap? What relationships can I forge to build bridges at lower levels in the organization? Ultimately this will protect your own brand while strengthening the approach of your Executive.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: Achieving your objectives is critical to advancing your career. AND, if you are able to work toward your objectives WHILE keeping relationship as a main priority your path will be much smoother. To be clear, this isn’t an easy task. Most of those whom you come into contact with who have opposing priorities may not be as willing as you are to collaborate. Consider each of these friction points as a way to train for what is to come. Much like musicians practicing that challenging passage over and over to ensure they can do it when the curtain rises, so you will be equipped to to build bridges and protect your organization from the friction they might otherwise feel when you finally do make it to the Executive ranks.

For parents of Toddlers: Just make sure your kid doesn’t throw sand anyone’s face… that really hurts.

“Frankly my dear….” Directness of communication

Toddlers don’t only say the darnedest things… they often say the most embarrassing things. Case in point:

When my brother was young, he was at our grand parent’s house for a day. Important context here is that we grew up in a house that was meticulously kept. He was sitting in the living room playing with some Matchbox cars on the coffee table when he realized the car tires left tracks on the table. Curious, he whipped his finger on the table and realized there was a slight layer of dust which the wheels of the toy car disturbed to make the tracks. He then adjusted his position and pivoted himself toward the kitchen where our grandmother was making dinner and inquired “is anybody gonna dust around here?”

Direct communication for toddlers is a mixture of not understanding the concepts of diplomacy and tact as well as gut instinct. Whether we like it or not, the most embarrassing part of toddlers speaking their mind is that they are usually stating something that is true. Sometimes it is something obvious like a less than meticulously kept home but other times it is something else like the feeling they get from someone… when we get older we call this a “gut reaction”.

So when we think about executives, we can somewhat rule out a deficiency in tact and diplomacy as most executives are experts in this arena. But what out going with your gut and cutting to the chase?

We’ve all seen the hit shows “Shark Tank” and “The Profit” which essentially celebrate the brightest business minds and their ability to cut through the clutter and noise that usually surrounds business to get to the root of a valuation. The reason we like watching these shows is because these executives are able to do something that the rest of us find quite challenging. They can sense the true story using their business sense or “gut”. This sense does nothing without an ability to be direct, ask tough questions and say things no one else is willing to.

The directness of communication that an executive exhibits in both their line of questioning and general assessments is not born out of rudeness (usually) but rather necessity. If they ask the right question and pressure test the right areas they can truly understand the health of what they are assessing and make the best decision for their organization. So what does this translate in to?

For the Executive: It is indeed a fine line between being direct and being rude. Ensure it is the prior and not the later.

For those working with Executives: You should always anticipate the directness. If you go into the conversation with an executive assuming it will be sugar plums and candy canes, you are mistaken and are in for a rude awakening. Arm yourself with the facts and get ready for a brutally honest dialogue.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: Speaking with candor is not easy. We’ve learned to be extremely sensitive to the feelings of those around us and this sensitivity is a good thing however it can get in our way of saying what actually needs to be said. If you are looking to develop as an Executive it will be critical to understand the nuances of when sensitivity is needed and when it is time to be direct… just being able to make this distinction is a great place to start.

For parents of Toddlers: Learn how to apologize to strangers… you’ll be doing it on occasion.

DO IT NOW: Level of patience

One of the hallmark characteristics of the Toddler is a fundamental lacking of patience. As an infant, we come into this world with a powerful ability to get what we want, when we want it. Initially this ability is critical to our survival and is executed through the use blood curdling screams that will make the parent do what ever it takes to make it stop! It results in prompt feeding, diaper changes, and adequate rest for the growing human. As time goes on, the infant develops into a toddler, however, the level of patience stays pretty much the same. That is until we, as parents, step in to correct the behavior. It’s physics… an object in motion will stay in motion until acted upon by an equal or greater than opposing force.

There’s no denying that a lack of patience gets results. Similar to toddlers, executives often seemingly exhibit a very limited amount of patience. Why? It makes us quick. The organization a leader leads is typically active with many different things. If the leader positions a new request or direction in a “get to it when you get to it” way, you can all but guarantee that this task will never get done as those items which are positioned as urgent will take priority. So the Executive must fight fire with fire and therefore create urgency to ensure his or her priorities are in fact a priority for the organization they lead.

That being said, we all know that patience is a virtue and therefore how can we reconcile this apparent contradiction?

For the Executive: As a leader you must ruthlessly prioritize. Identify those things which are a priority and set challenging timelines. This will ensure your team understands the urgency and will plan and execute accordingly. HOWEVER, BE CAREFUL! You must use this tactic sparingly. If you fail to prioritize and create challenging false deadlines on everything, you will burn your teams out and, worse, injure your credibility with the team. Ultimately, they will start questioning the why behind everything they are tasked with.

For those working with Executives: Try not to mistaken the Executive’s perceived impatience as immaturity. In many cases, the Executive is quite calculated in their approach. On the other hand, if it seems as though everything is urgent, it may be important to communicate the current strain on the team and seek additional understanding related to the priority of the task at hand vs other work in progress.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: Being overly understanding and patient will not drive high performance. Leaders become executives because they know how to create high performance teams. They do so with a skilled blend of patience and urgency. Master this and you are well on your way to the C-Suite.

For parents of Toddlers: Patience is a virtue. Teach your children how to wait. A great opportunity is when you are talking to another adult. There are so many times that our kids would just start talking to us and asking questions in the middle of my wife and I having a conversation. While it would be much easier to stop our conversation to answer the simple question, it is imperative that we lean in and swiftly correct the behavior and teach them to be patient and wait until we are done with our conversation.

IT WILL BE OPTION 1: Appetite for compromise

A number of the similarities which we have already covered contained a common theme… lack of desire for compromise. You can see this in Part 1 related to chasing after big dreams as well as Part 4 regarding the reaction to the word “No”. The appetite for compromise in the Executive and the Toddler is quite similar. Just think about the parent at the mall trying to negotiate with their knee-high Neanderthal. The parent is usually trying to employ your run-of-the-mill reasoning tactics to appeal to the rational side of their little one. The toddler of course is not having it and, with each passing moment, his or her emotional stability is spiraling downward. More later on how to handle this.

The Executive once again bears striking resemblance. The exact reaction of a full blown tantrum might not be identical, but the appetite is similar. Most Executives when faced with compromise immediately feel the pressure of competing priorities. The person who is proposing alternatives has in mind a more optimal solution based on their vantage point. However, the Executive is usually going in another direction given the perspectives that he or she is currently aware of. Quickly the Executive must weigh the various priorities and stakeholders and identify the optimal way forward. The challenge here is that the Executive is usually already aware of the perspective being brought before him or her and is therefore in the uncomfortable spot of holding firm to their initial decision regardless of how impassioned the person is who is sitting across the table. Being short on time, the Executive sees this as a potential waste of time and valuable energy. The resulting behavior by the Exec is often times perceived as hard-headed or having a lack of empathy. While this perception is somewhat faulty it can still injure the Executive’s persona. It can also hinder the organizational effectiveness of the larger team if employees are not seeing the wisdom in the Executive’s direction. So what to do…

For the Executive: As an Executive you have the advantage of seeing the full picture. While it is time consuming to provide the full context behind all decisions, it is important for employees to understand why you are making the decision you are making. Your time investment in the short term will pay dividends in that your team will become more educated about the broader context and understand the intent behind the decisions you are making. In the end, they will start bringing proposals that more closely align and only those situations which truly require compromise will come to your desk.

For those working with Executives: Start by assuming the best. In many instances, the information you have may make the Executive’s unwillingness to compromise seem unreasonable. However, if there is some other piece of information that you do not have, the Executive’s resistance may not only be reasonable but the wisest course of action.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: Compromise is a necessary and often times beneficial process in the business world. As an Executive in training, if you will, you must learn how to take in different perspectives, assess what is the best course of action and make the call. Sometimes you will not be the most popular person for your decisions but as the Executive you need to learn to make tough calls for what is right. The most important piece here is learning what, in fact, is right. This comes down to principles. The strongest leaders have a fundamental set of principles by which they operate. They use these principles to guide their decisions. When people around them understand what their principles are, it is easier for them to anticipate that decisions you will make. Long story short… if you haven’t already identified your core principles, you should start doing so today. There are a number of different ways to go about doing this. Most start with identifying what you value most and going from there. Maybe a good topic of a later post….

For parents of Toddlers: You must reverse the script here. There is no compromising with the Toddler. No mater how much you give, they will always want more. Remember that you are the boss and you know best. Your best bet is to hold firm from the onset. If your toddler thinks that compromise is an option, you’ll be in for a long battle ahead.

LET’S DO THIS: Energy levels

I used to say that my Toddler had two speeds – full sprint and off. When he was awake he was at full sprint in both mind and body. The rest of the time he was sleeping. While there is certainly a difference between the Executive and the Toddler here in the amount of sleep they need, the similarity is unmistakable in that while they are awake, it is full sprint mode. For Executives part of this comes from need. There are so many people who want time with them, they have no choice but to keep a packed schedule. On top of that, each person that sits with them perceives that very moment in time to be a big deal… they are meeting with a powerful executive after all. To be respectful of this perception, the Executive has to be present in these moments. Further more, there are very few things which are being brought to the Executive that are unimportant. If it wasn’t important, it wouldn’t be coming up to the Executive!

Toddlers are similar in that they are present in every moment. For them, everything is interesting since they have so much to learn. Every interaction provides an opportunity to experience something new and absorb an additional piece of information.

So let’s translate this insight into practical application:

For the Executive: Your teams require a lot from you. They expect you to be present and they draw a portion of their motivation based on their perception of you. This means you have to take care of yourself. Eat right, keep your sleep cycle as regular as possible, stay fit, and be diligent about managing your calendar. These actions will further improve your energy level and ensure you are spending that energy on worthwhile activities.

For those working with Executives: It is important to understand the pressures of the Executive you are working with and do your best to support them as opposed to draw from them. This means keep your interactions meaningful and efficient. Ask how you can help. If you have built a strong rapport, you can even inquire as to how they are doing and begin to anticipate their needs.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: I have come to realize that there are two aspects to “energy”. The first is involuntary. Sometimes you are just truly beat and there is nothing you can do about it. Think of sleepless nights and jet lag. The other is voluntary. It is a lack of desire to motivate ones self. While there are many people who suffer from sleep issues and ill effects of international travel, the perceived energy limitations for most people come from the voluntary aspect more often than not. What do I mean by this? If we really think about our “gusto” or intestinal fortitude in most situations, we will often find that those where we lacked the drive or the “hustle” was a mater of choice. Sometimes you have just have to lean in and power through the energy drops and manufacture the energy for yourself. Developing this skill will increase your capacity and unlock new levels of productivity and demonstrated leadership.

For parents of Toddlers: When you feel yourself wearing thin and your energy is waning toddlers can be challenging. It is helpful in these moments to either 1. Make the conscious decision to lean in or 2. If possible, take a step away, have your favorite caffeinated beverage and get back in the game… the team needs you!

NEXT: Attention span

I’m always shocked at how quickly my son changes topic and interest. He will get me to start playing something with him and as soon as I really get into it, he is on to a completely new thing! It’s super annoying when it is something that takes time to set up. By the time I get everything together and ready to go, he is on to something else. The funny thing is that I know this yet I am surprised each and every time it happens. Why is that? It’s because I get engaged in the task. Similar to when someone changes the TV channel right when you get into the show.

But why do Toddlers move on to the new subject? They are bored. They are looking for something else that grabs their attention. As they get older they will find more things interesting about a subject or a task and therefore can stick with it for longer.

So what’s the parallel between toddlers and executives here? There is a fine line between the necessary and unnecessary information. If you cross the line into unnecessary information, you will lose the Executive and much like the Toddler, they will be looking to move on. For the Executive it isn’t about boredom but rather necessity. Of the resources at their disposal, the one most lacking is time and if they feel their time isn’t being spent wisely they will make an adjustment quickly.

It’s important to note that many executives actually have a “tell” when they begin to lose patience with a subject. Some tells are obvious like the Executive standing up and walking around while others are more subtle like an Executive starting to play with their wedding ring. So what can we do? So glad you asked….

For the Executive: Create a strong enough tell that it makes its way through the organization like an urban legend of sorts. Those who know the tell will want to share this knowledge as a badge of honor. Before long, it will make its way into the culture with people saying things like, “she didn’t take off her glasses did she!?” or “If he takes his ring off, just stop talking!” This way you almost step into the role of conductor. Of course don’t abuse the tell. It’s a fine line between being effective and just straight rude.

For those working with Executives: First, always consider your audience. Think about that line between what do they need to know and what might be too much info. The best test here is think about why you are telling them what you are telling them. Everything that is critical to the why stays, everything else can go into backup or an appendix. Second, learn the tell. Sometimes you will accidentally go too far with what info you are providing, especially if you are passionate about your topic. Make sure you monitor the audience. If you start seeing the Executive do that thing they do, wrap it up quickly.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: Time is money… or at least that is how the saying goes. But truthfully, time is a limited resource and as you progress in your career this is one resource that gets strained more and more. Many people wait too long in their career before proactively managing their time. As someone looking to develop as an executive, think about toddlers. When they feel the need to move on, they do. They move on due strictly to want. As an adult, this decision to move on can be predicated on other factors such a priority. Guard your time and be intentional about the things you INVEST your time in.

For parents of Toddlers: Be patient and observe the things your Toddler has a greater attention span for. You may just stumble on the themes of instinct where your Toddler may have the opportunity to excel in the future.

NO?!

What happens when you tell a toddler “no” in response to something they want? The specifics of the response depend on the child but in general you can count on some form of discontent ranging from a pout and a cold shoulder to a full blown fit. I can probably stop here as most of you will be able to draw the parallels to the Executive in your life. So without belaboring the point, let’s cut to the chase and consider the usefulness of this discontent with “no”.

For toddlers it is quite simple. Infants express needs by crying. As a new parent you quickly learn that a crying baby usually means one of three needs… diaper change, food or sleep. However, as the baby becomes a toddler, they begin to have wants that are not needs… just wants. They, of course, don’t know the difference and they try the same tactic… throw some sort of fit and you will get what you need / want. As parents we need to correct this behavior otherwise it will result in the child becoming a spoiled brat (a topic which I will cover in a post called Generation V in a few weeks).

For executives it isn’t this simple. Leading an organization can be quite complex with the stress of balancing the needs of numerous competing stakeholders, fending off competitors that seem to appear out of thin air, maintaining the health and stability of the team while ensuring they are maintaining a strong pace and so on and so forth. Leading successfully in these dynamics requires a certain intestinal fortitude to stay the course and forge ahead in challenging circumstances. If the Executive caves to every “no” they hear, the organization would fall well short of its true capabilities and potentially succumb to the forces of the market. When executives push back on “no” it isn’t necessarily because they are just stubborn but because they believe their team is capable of more.

Think of a personal trainer. We have all heard of or have experienced first hand a trainer or coach that seems to be completely ignorant to the signs of which indicate impending death. You keep thinking, for sure they must know that I am about to die!? The fact of the mater is that they KNOW you are NOT about to die. They KNOW you are capable of more than you yourself are aware of. They are merely there to help you learn what the furthest reaches of your capabilities are. Executives are similar in that they push through the “No” in the hopes of unlocking undiscovered potential.

So what can we learn from this?

For the Executive: Be cognizant of the line. Like a personal trainer, it is possible to push too far. Also, when your team pushes through and finds a new level of performance, celebrate the success!

For those working with Executives: If you are preparing a “no” response to a request, consider the why. If your response to your Executive’s request is “no” you have to be able to eloquently describe your position. If it is just a bad decision that will have negative impacts elsewhere, explain that. Our organizations pay us to understand the nuances of business and if we know of some unintended consequences of a decision, it is our job to bring those to light. That being said, you also better make sure that there is truly nothing you can do to mitigate those potential negative impacts. If the “no” has to do with a lack of resources, simply explain the trade off or ways you can execute the request by temporarily pausing another assignment. Once again, make sure that the resource constraint is real on not just assumed.

For those looking to develop as an Executive: Don’t be afraid to challenge a “no”. Listen to the reasoning and push the team to challenge their own assumptions. You may find that you unlock a new level of potential and your team will be pumped to deliver on what they thought they couldn’t.

For parents of Toddlers: Hold the line! When you say “no” and the Toddler makes a scene, you MUST NOT give in. If you give in to the fit, you have just communicated to the Toddler that their actions are correct and will result in success in the future. The fit trumps the original request. Even if you are questioning what you said “no” to (eg. It’s just not worth the fight), it is no longer about the original request, it is about breaking the behavior. Failure to hold the line here will result in a very spoiled child.