I’m an avid cyclist which means I spend lots of time on the road battling the terrain as well as traffic. Growing up in the suburbs of New York and now Atlanta I often times feel like I spend more time engaging in the later. Having a very active family life with a wife and two growing boys at home whom I love spending time with, many of my rides put me on the road before the sun comes up. While wearing bright colors is a marginal help, a strong lighting system with headlight and tail light are critical for my safety for these pre-dawn rides.
One morning, I was out on the road and hammering (riding very hard as we like to call it in cycling terms) which means I was in a rather intense mental state. For those who know me, this doesn’t require you to stretch your imagination too far. Anyway, I had just made a right hand turn onto a busy road. It has two lanes going in either direction and is a main thoroughfare for those commuting to work from the northern suburbs into the city of Atlanta. For me this stretch of road presents a somewhat precarious situation as I have about a quarter mile to get myself across two of the lanes of traffic so that I can make a left hand turn and escape the madness of the morning commuters.
As usual on this particular morning, immediately after making the right hand turn onto the busy stretch, I work like crazy to get my machine up to speed so that I can get across the two lanes of traffic without creating too much of an inconvenience for the drivers. Typically, I am able to telegraph my movements to the drivers and, in turn, they allow me to quickly shift across their lane to arrive “safely” in the left hand turning lane up ahead.
On this morning, I found it particularly challenging to find a driver who would permit my lane change. Once I finally asserted myself, the driver who was now behind me began flashing their lights and beeping at me. This spectacle is not totally uncommon as some drivers feel that cyclists have no place on the road and fail to suppress the urge to express their opinion. I thought this was one of those people having one of those moments.
Being in the “hammering” mindset, I was filled with righteous indignation toward the driver. My thoughts consisted of statements such as:
“HOW DARE they ATTACK my rightful position on road!”
“Poor baby had to endure the dreaded activity of moving their right foot from the accelerator to lightly depress the brake pedal… how trying!”
“Don’t they know how hard I am working and all of the effort that this takes!”
“Maybe if they got off their lazy….”
You get the hint.
As much as all of these thoughts entered my mind and I boiled with anger, I kept it to myself and used it to fuel my effort which was substantial at the moment.
I got into the turning lane, made the left hand turn off of the commuting artery and, much to my surprise, the car operated by the boisterous driver made the turn as well. Immediately I thought, “Oh ok, LET’S DO THIS!” Just to give you an idea of how irrational this thought was… I am 155 lbs… on a 15 lb bike… wearing spandex, a silly looking helmet and cycling shoes which provide zero grip or stability when not attached to the bike pedals… not exactly a match for a few thousand pound car operated by a person of unknown size or strength but apparently enough testosterone to experience high levels of anger and frustration before 7am. So if we were to “DO THIS!”… the story is probably not going to turn out so well for me.
The driver, now considered the aggressor from my perspective, pulls up next to me. I am prepared to sling insults at the driver without regard for the ramifications (or the fact that I probably won’t be able to get coherent words out since my current heart rate is currently 170 bpm.). Just as I am ready to let loose, I sense that the driver is not actually agitated. I can see a facial expression that is more… concerned. I hear the words, “We can’t see you.” Still in my offended state, I yell back “I have a tail light!” The driver replies, “It’s not working!” I look toward my back tire and, to my horror and embarrassment, she is right… my tail light is out.
Before I can muster the words to thank her, she continues down the road and drives away. To this day I feel totally embarrassed for my thoughts toward this good Samaritan who had the decency to alter her early morning commute in order to deliver an absolutely critical message to a jerk in spandex.
After waiting on the side of the road for the sun to come up that morning, I made my way back to the office safe and sound. Later that day I bought two new tail lights: one to use and the other as a backup to keep on me in case one goes out. I told myself that I would never allow that to happen again. However, it wasn’t until months later that I realized the larger lesson in this experience.
The tail light experience popped into my head on numerous other occasions and finally one day I asked myself these questions:
- In what other areas of my life is my tail light out and I am ignoring the warnings from those around me?
- Am I hearing the equivalent of the beeping horns and seeing the flashing lights from my peers, team members, wife, kids, etc.?
- And if so am I receiving their warnings as attacks and giving in to that all to familiar self-defense narrative in my mind… “don’t they understand…”, “how dare they…”, “if they only knew….”, etc.?
Right now if you’re asking yourself, “Do I do that?”, the answer is easy. Of course you do… we ALL do. Every time feedback hits me I want to defend my position, build my argument and mount a counterattack…. the only problem is that it isn’t a counterattack because in reality I’m not countering an attack. I am just attacking. And worse yet, I’m attacking those who are actually trying to help. So what can we do?
First, we need to let go of the idea that we can be without fault. Yes, you work hard. Yes, most of us are well intentioned most of the time. Yes your context and perspective is not known to all. However, we are all imperfect. And with imperfection comes the need to recognize where and when we fall short. This is called self-awareness. Without it, we are lost and will never develop beyond who we are today.
Second, we have to be attentive to what others around us are saying and, more importantly, we have to be intentional about our reaction; both outwardly and inwardly.
Third, if we want to avoid the beeping horns and flashing lights, we have to proactively seek feedback. There are tons of ways to do this from having regular one to one chats with a few trusted advisors to activating an anonymous 360 survey.
Here’s the main point: If you think this doesn’t apply to you, YOU are the very person who needs this most.